Sometimes I am forgiveness
by callmesandy
Summary: Everything changed that first day when Jen arrived. A different take on s1 of Dawson's Creek. (rape is referenced not shown, it's like pacey's creek s1, now with much less rape culture, also s1 with much less Dawson, also s1 with no romance for Ms Jacobs)
1. Chapter 1

Notes: not mine, no profit garnered. Title and opening quote from Kristena Evans's poem the letter. For the gwyo bingo square in settings, seen below. Some bits of dialogue come straight from Dawson's Creek s1, s4, but I tried to avoid straight transcription. I moved some small bits around timing wise from s1, s2 and even s3 as well, but unlike the show, I didn't give Pacey two birthdays, so I feel okay about that. Jen describes a scene from Melanie Thernstrom's The Dead Girl.

 _Amelia, sometimes you are a machine. Sometimes I am forgiveness. Or revenge. It's hard to tell with the radio on._

Pacey decided. He made a definitive decision to shrug off his predetermined role. He had a short amount of time before Jen figured out what everyone else knew. He blew off work and went straight to Mrs. Ryan's house. He knocked on the door and like Jen knew today was an important day, she answered the door in her finest tight shirt and slacks. She had changed from earlier but still looked great. He briefly regretted the nailing her comments he'd made earlier to Dawson. She said, "Pacey?"

"That is me," he said. "I was wondering, Miss Lindley, would you like to go out with me? About now? We could catch a matinee of a movie at the local place, grab a light dinner and you'd be home by 7 so you were ready for your first day at school."

Jen blinked and then, finally, smiled. "You're asking me out. On a date."

"Did I do it wrong? I got to admit, judging by the answers in the past, my technique is pretty flawed. I mean, I understand if you don't want to," Pacey said.

"No, I think that was right. It's just in New York, it was pretty different."

"Well, this is Capeside and our options are pretty limited. I do have access to a car, but that doesn't seem like a first date activity, driving somewhere especially when I say access I mean I will be borrowing my father's car without his knowledge which sometimes goes badly," Pacey said.

"No, I was thinking of something else. Let me tell Grams so she knows not to expect me for dinner," Jen said.

As she left the doorway, Pacey allowed himself a little fist pump at what seemed a successful date asking moment. Jen came back and stepped out of the house, closing the door behind her. She said, "Grams wasn't thrilled but movie and dinner and home by 7 seemed innocent enough, I wrangled a yes out of her."

"Excellent," Pacey said. He offered her his arm and she looked bemused, but she took it. It was a dumb thing to do but so far Jen hadn't noticed Pacey's inherent loserness.

They ambled towards the Rialto. Pacey said, "I hate to admit this, but any date with me is guaranteed to be pretty innocent. Don't tell, not that anyone cares, but I haven't even rounded second base. I'm not sure why I'm trying to impress you with my patheticness, but there you go."

"Define your bases," Jen said, still smiling like everything was funny. Not a mean smile, though, Pacey was sure.

"First is kissing with tongue as the French do, 2nd is naughty things with your fingers, 3rd is also naughty things but this time with tongues and mouths. I think home base is pretty universal in these systems," Pacey said.

"I feel like you're implying you've gotten close to 2nd base, though," Jen said.

"She will swear it never happened, but Nellie Olsen -"

"That is not her real name," Jen said.

"It is her real name. She is a real girl who works at the video store where Dawson and I both work, except she does whatever she wants because her father owns it. There was an incident where she deigned to share some beer with me on a lonely Tuesday night - I was not taking advantage of her, to be clear, but there was some beer courage on her part. She let me touch her inside her 34B bra. I say let me because I was a gentleman and she forced my hands up there. She now swears it never happened and also spends all her time at the store belittling me, so I'm not sure what I should take from that experience. Or what you should take from that story," Pacey said.

"When you told Dawson, did you embellish, like, have her throwing off her shirt for you?"

"I never told Dawson," Pacey said. "I never told anyone. I know it sounds like I'm not kissing and telling, but really, it all made me feel a little dirty. Not in the fun dirty sexy way."

"You still get points for your reticence," Jen said.

"If you're giving 'em, I'm taking 'em," Pacey said. "You keep smiling like we're watching Friends or something."

"It's not what you think," Jen said. "I'm absolutely not laughing at you. I'm just amused at how different all of this is from New York. It's been years since I've been to Capeside and I think I had convinced myself the story book little town thing wasn't as real as it really is. I had this idea in my head, like, I didn't even want to try to date and just let things happen, but I think this works, too."

"Those fast boys in New York don't tell you about drunken shameful make outs on the first date?"

Jen sighed. "The last time I dated someone who was actually my age, well, it was three days ago, and it wasn't much of a date. Mostly, I haven't been dating so much as hanging out. Meeting up." Jen squeezed his arm. "So far, I like this. It's good. You're changing my mind."

"Wait until you see me buy me popcorn," Pacey said. He was starting to worry. It had to be some kind of joke that Pacey was succeeding here in being charming. Or some semblance of it.

They dissected the movie choices, both of them, settled on the one Jen wanted, and Pacey bought the tickets. Then he bought popcorn and cokes. "Do you have any candy orders?"

"No," Jen said. "I'm sorry, you must be getting sick of me saying this, but I can't remember the last time someone took me to the movies."

"I'm not sick of anything," Pacey said.

They were in their seats when Jen said, "Why aren't you asking where I am on the baseball field?"

Pacey shrugged. "You'll tell me if you want, right? I don't make any assumptions, I'm not casting you in any part as virginal or fast, assigned roles is more Dawson's thing."

"Okay," Jen said, looking taken back in a good way. "I thought what Dawson was talking about with his movie sounded interesting, though. So have you seen this movie before?"

"Of course," Pacey said. "I work at a video store and I've been Dawson Leery's best friend for over a decade. Have you?"

"No," Jen said. "Don't spoil me."

"Promise," Pacey said.

It was a good movie and Jen seemed to like it. She was incredibly pretty when she laughed, though she was basically incredibly pretty when she did anything like breathe. She grabbed his hand once or twice. He had made it close to two hours without Jen catching on to how little Pacey was worth her time.

When the movie was over, they went over to one of the Ice House's many competitors. He told her they should go to the Ice House, "but honestly, I blew off work for this and I'm afraid Dawson will find me and this whole glorious afternoon will collapse and be revealed as a daydream I'm having."

"Dawson has that power?"

"I'm pretty sure he's also planning to ask you out," Pacey said.

"Why doesn't he ask out that girl, Joey? She seemed like she was going to beat me to death with a shovel as soon as Dawson looked at me," Jen said.

"Ah, the eternal question. Joey and Dawson have been friends longer than me and Dawson by about a year. I think. Dawson is still blind to Joey being a girl, much less a damn pretty girl, so no sign of him asking her out any time soon. Maybe he'll be inspired by this here date," Pacey said.

"He'll probably need someone to ask out Joey," Jen said.

"Probably," Pacey said. "She gives off massive hands off vibes to everyone except Dawson so I don't think that'll happen any time soon."

"But she's got that whole I don't realize I'm incredibly gorgeous thing going on. Guys love that, I thought," Jen said.

"You're also incredibly gorgeous, by the way," Pacey said.

Jen blushed and said, "Thank you. I wasn't fishing for compliments there."

"You don't have to fish, this is a date, I'm supposed to point how insane it is that someone as lovely as you is bothering with the worst of Capeside," Pacey said.

"How are you the worst of Capeside? You're like a J Crew model, minus the haircut," Jen said.

"No one has ever said that in the history of the world regarding me, except for the dig on the haircut which everyone says," Pacey said.

"Did someone come around when you were all ten and hit you with stupid sticks? Joey thinks she's ugly, you think you're not attractive unless someone's drunk," Jen said.

"Judging by my grades, it was before age ten," Pacey said.

"You have the vocabulary of at least a B student," Jen said.

"I have the grades of a D student," Pacey said.

"No way," Jen said.

"Way," Pacey said.

"Why? You're clearly smart," Jen said.

"Clear to you," Pacey said.

"Is this some kind of weird small town thing where everyone's personality is decided on somewhere around age 13 and no one really tries to break free of that until they get to college and have a complete breakdown?"

"Oh, it was way before 13," Pacey said. "You know, when I was 8, I was playing baseball and I did my usual bang up job of not doing anything right and my father yelled at me when we got home, and even before we got home, he yelled at me in the car. So I go to sulk in my room and I heard him saying to my brother 'at least I have you, Dougie.'" Pacey paused because wow, that story sounded awful out loud. He said, "So, there was no stick involved."

"Just shitty parents," Jen said. "Mine suck, too."

"I never really thought of it as shitty parents," Pacey said. "They're not great but. Come on."

Jen just stared at him. She finally said, "I'm going out on a limb here, but I bet Dawson's parents have never told him he's a complete failure for not playing baseball well at age 8."

"Dawson didn't play baseball at 8, he really didn't want to," Pacey said. "But I see your point. Look, we've taken this date to real downer territory, I feel like I need to do something to turn it around. We should also avoid getting you close to seeing how much I do actually suck."

"We should avoid actually getting to know each other and having serious discussions on our date?" Jen smiled again. "I'm still trying to get these small town rules figured out."

"Well, there really isn't that much getting to know each other if you've known someone since they were in diapers," Pacey said.

Jen said, "I think we should both break free this year. You should be as smart as you actually are no matter what your parents and brother -"

"And sisters and teachers and other people's parents, though, honestly, my sister Gretchen has always been pretty cool," Pacey said.

"I am going to have a boyfriend my own age, actually be a teenager who meets people and has friends, and stop trying to make my father notice me this year, starting now," Jen said.

"Do I get to audition for that boyfriend role?" Pacey smiled.

"Definitely," Jen said. "Not to put pressure on you for the rest of the date, but that good night kiss is going to count a lot in the judging."

"And I will stop trying to do badly or do well and just do," Pacey said.

"Let's be real, Pacey, it sounds like if you get a B, you'll either get 'why not an A?' Or 'why weren't you doing this before?' Since we can agree right now that it won't win you praise or make anyone love you more because they're assholes, you should do it for yourself," Jen said.

"I like how you think, Jen," Pacey said. "If I ever have kids, I feel like I would make sure to notice my daughter even without whatever you were doing to be noticed."

"I appreciate that, but since you're in the running for my boyfriend, let's avoid any weird Oedipal moments for the rest of the date," Jen said.

"Forever, I say," Pacey said. She really did seem to like him.

He paid for dinner and helped her up. "It's only 6:15 or so, we have an entire half hour before we need to start walking you home," he said.

"Are you gonna sneak me off somewhere for some making out?" Jen laughed as she said it.

"Is making out laughable? I know I've denigrated my own skills, but I'm pretty sure I'm not horrible at it," Pacey said.

"It's not," Jen said. "But you're going to have to bend over for me to kiss you because even on my tippy toes -"

He kissed her and did indeed need to bend over a little but it was all perfectly fine and wonderful. He said, "Actually there's this park where we're less likely to be seen by anyone from Mrs. Ryan's church or my family."

"Wouldn't want to be seen kissing in public," Jen said. She had a big smile, though, like she liked it.

Pacey was pathetic enough to still say, "But you liked it?"

"Yes," she said.

"Okay, great, I appreciate the good reviews," Pacey said. He led them to a thankfully deserted picnic table on the side of the park that had no views and was pretty much only used for what they were about to do. He sat on the bench of the table and pulled Jen between his legs, thanking all of the fashion gods that lived that baggy pants were stylish enough Jen probably couldn't tell he was already hard. Of course, it was probably completely obvious and Jen probably thought he was some kind of idiot.

"I like that you have to look up a little," Jen said, resting her hands on his shoulders. "I've spent this whole date looking up. How tall are you?"

"6 foot something, growing every day," he said. He held her waist so he had something to do with his suddenly sweaty hands.

She thankfully kissed him, her soft hands sweeping up his neck then in his hair. She pressed against him, her breasts against his collarbone and he still had no idea what to do with his hands except hold her. She stopped kissing him long enough to laugh and say, "It's okay if you want to grab my butt."

"Okay, good," he said stupidly. Luckily she started kissing him again. He did indeed hold onto her perfect ass. They went on like that for a while, kissing and butt caressing and he was pretty sure he was going to have an embarrassing moment in his pants.

Jen looked around and said, "Honestly, a handjob on the first date is not, well, it still counts as new Jen."

"You don't have to," he said. "I'm okay if new Jen wants to wait." It would take him a while to stand up and a lot of thinking about Mrs. Ryan doing water aerobics but that was probably just punishment for all his shitty sexist talk earlier in the day and his entire previous life.

"You make me want to do it even more," Jen said, smiling.

Then, because it was the best day ever in the whole life of Pacey Witter, she did do it. It was amazing. She even had a convenient hanky Mrs. Ryan had given her to clean up and make himself presentable. She kissed him and said, "Now we should get going so I'm home by 7."

"Okay," Pacey said. "Okay, okay." He staggered up and offered her his arm again. "Sorry, as you know, as I told you, that incredible experience is not normal for new Pacey or old Pacey. I feel like I should say something like thank you or something, or should I talk less? You decide."

"You know," Jen said. "This has been the weirdest date of my life. I like it, though, it's a good weird. Even you babbling like an idiot right now, it feels nice."

"Good, good," Pacey said.

Right before they got to her door he said softly, "I don't think it's fair to think of myself as having crossed second base if I haven't also made you happy. Which I certainly would be happy to try whenever you have the time."

"God, you're adorable," Jen said.

"Does that mean we can have a second date? How about day after tomorrow? I can't afford movie and dinner again, but I can swing some hot studying in the public library followed by hanging out on the docks. Have you ever sailed? I can row a mean boat." Pacey realized that all sounded horrible but his brain was still back on the picnic bench.

"Maybe not quite that, but yes, second date sounds fun," she said.

He kissed her chastely on the cheek as Mrs. Ryan appeared in the doorway and said, "Goodbye, that was great, you're great."

"Right back atcha," Jen said, smiling.

Pacey walked across the lawn still not sure where his brain was, high on his very first handjob. So he was actually surprised when Dawson and Joey came out of the Leery house barreling towards him. "Hey guys," he said.

"Did you seriously just go on a date with Jen?" Dawson sounded angry and affronted.

Pacey took pleasure in saying, "Yes. Cause I asked her out and out we went. We had a great time actually. She's awesome."

"I'll bet," Joey said, all curdled virgin hate in her face.

"Joey, you gotta reign it in, Dawson's doesn't get that you hate Jen because he's hot for her. I went out with her, so Dawson might just be frustrated enough to notice you as a person with breasts," Pacey said.

"Shut up, Pacey," Joey said, eyes narrow.

Dawson said, "Pacey, come on. What happened to being best friends? You knew I was going to ask her out."

"No, actually, I didn't know that. Was I supposed to assume that from your verbal erection at her beauty? The way you just laughed at my crappy jokes? Besides, she's a person, not some claim in gold rush territory where getting there first and screaming mine is effective," Pacey said.

"I hate to say it, but I agree with Pacey," Joey said. "She is a person. You didn't say you were going to ask her out. And even if you had, so what? You can still ask her out if you're so obsessed with blondes in tight sweaters."

"Joey, seriously, I'm supposed to be the sexist jerk in this trio, it's a bad look on you. And it doesn't make a difference, Dawson still thinks of you as his bestest friend who has no sexual appeal," Pacey said.

"Pacey, stop it," Dawson said.

"Which part? Pointing out the obvious that Joey's so jealous she's turning into a caveman misogynist that you're hot for Jen? Pointing out the equally obvious that you just don't think of Joey that way because you're stupid?" Pacey started walking away.

Naturally Dawson was still walking after him. "I can't believe Jen's your type," he said.

"No, you can't believe I'm her type, since I'm not brilliant," Pacey said. He remembered this was the new Pacey. "But I'm not an idiot and neither is she." He was pretty far from convinced.

Dawson stopped. "I was going to ask her to help on the movie."

"You should. You should even ask her out if you still want," Pacey said. "I bet the kissing scene will go a lot better if it's me and Jen."

"How was it with the fast girl from New York City, Pacey?" Joey had caught up with them.

"We had a great date, Josephine. We talked and laughed and talked and laughed again. I really don't get your surly descent into virgin whore derision. Do you really want to be that kind of girl?" Pacey kept walking away, he needed to get home. He was going to try to do the assigned summer reading. No one would care how he did except himself. So he could just do it.

He was also going to relive that handjob a few times.

!

"It's nice to know people," Jen said, looking up at Pacey, then smiling at Joey and Dawson. "Though Nellie Olsen did try to get to par-tay with her."

"I can't believe you passed that up," Pacey said.

"I didn't say I did," Jen said, laughing. She saw something flit across Dawson's face so she quickly said, "I did pass it up. I'm not looking for her kind of party at all."

Pacey plucked her schedule from her hands and held it with three others, presumably the others'. He said, "Okay, good, this works, You and I have two classes together, you and Jo have three classes together and two with Dawson, including one overlap with Jo." He handed her back her schedule.

"Are you going to make me guess which classes?"

"Yes," Pacey said. "Since I need to get my first period right now." He headed off quickly to the right.

"What has gotten into him?" Jo looked confused. "I've never seen Pacey rush to class."

"You've forgotten human sexuality in middle school," Dawson said. "I'm going this way, Jen, which is the way you need to go."

"Cool," Jen said. "See you at some mysterious point, Joey." Joey actually sort of smiled back at her.

To her surprise, Dawson just reiterated his invitation to help on his movie the coming weekend as he directed her to her class.

School was school. Less rich assholes than her previous private day school, but fewer teachers who'd written the definitive text on the subject. Jen thought if she wanted to get into a college she wanted she was going to have bear down and get good grades.

In another surprise, in all three classes she had with Joey, the girl let her sit next to her and was even helpful. As they walked out of the third, Jen said, "Maybe we could have a study group. A real one, I mean, not whatever a study group is a euphemism for here."

"Here a study group means a study group," Joey said. "School is everything to me, I don't want trade makeup tips."

"I'm not going to say anything about how it's obnoxious for someone who's naturally stunning to talk about makeup tips and just go with, school matters to me, too. I want to do well," Jen said.

"Okay," Joey said. "I guess it'll just be us, though, Dawson just magically does well enough for B pluses and he only cares about going to USC so he's more obsessed with his filming than studying. Pacey doesn't give a crap about his grades."

"Maybe he does this year," Jen said.

"Did he say that on your date? That might have be a line," Joey said.

"He said it, but it wasn't a line. Are you being nice to me because I went out with Pacey?"

Joey laughed. "Please, Pacey is a cretin. I have no plans to do anything for him or because of him except maybe barf if we have to kiss again in Dawson's movie."

"I meant more that I went out with Pacey instead of Dawson," Jen said.

"Maybe," Joey mumbled, blushing and hiding her face behind her hair. She still looked like a model. Joey said, "Also Pacey called me a misogynist caveman 5 million times last night for not being nice to you at first sight. I can't believe you guys had a great date. You know, Pacey said Dawson should feel free to ask you out."

Jen smiled. "Yeah, one date isn't exactly an engagement thing. Also, Pacey isn't in charge of me or Dawson's actions. Or yours as you just pointed out. If Dawson did, though, I'd probably say no. I really had fun with Pacey."

"That amazes me," Joey said. "He's not a fun person."

"Maybe familiarity breeds contempt. He could be fun with me because we have no history," Jen said.

"That seems the most likely explanation which doesn't bode well for your future," Joey said. She was actually smiling, though, so it didn't seem mean.

At the end of the day, she decided to wait for Pacey and the gang at her locker since she had no idea where anyone else's locker was. Strangely enough, it worked as all three of them came from different directions to find her. She said, "This is such a better first day than I imagined."

"Today has blown my mind," Joey said. "Pacey, this doing well at school thing isn't just a phase, right? I'm not letting you into our study group if you give it up after a week."

"Joey, you wound me," Pacey said.

"You're starting a study group?" Dawson laughed.

"Joey and I," Jen said. "We talked about it, I said Pacey might want in and Joey said you wouldn't need it because you care about film school more than being valedictorian."

"Which he probably could do if he wanted to," Pacey said. "But we all know Joey will."

"Or maybe we should worry about Pacey now," Dawson said, laughing. To his credit, he stopped as soon as he saw the hurt in Pacey's eyes.

"Maybe I will just because you said that," Pacey said.

"I'm sorry," Dawson said.

"Okay," Joey said. "It's settled, Pacey isn't an idiot and he will be allowed in our study group. When do we meet?"

"You're very take charge," Jen said. "Definitely valedictorian. Well, tonight seems too soon."

"And the weekend you're all helping on the movie," Dawson said.

"We have plans tomorrow," Pacey said, gesturing at Jen.

Dawson started to say something and stopped himself. Joey said, "That leaves Thursday or Friday night. We'll show Nellie Olsen how we party for sure."

"I get off work at 8 on Thursday," Pacey said. "What about you, Jo?"

"I will make sure I do," Joey said, firmly.

"My social calendar is set for the next week, I feel good about that," Jen said.

She walked halfway home with Pacey and Dawson and Joey. Pacey even held her hand which was endearing and more than that, something Jen realized she liked. She said, "I also think you could be valedictorian, if Joey didn't stand in your way."

Joey and Dawson were walking a little ahead of them, engrossed already in a conversation Jen couldn't hear. Pacey said, "I'm not shooting for valedictorian. I'm shooting for my actual level, whatever that is. Maybe it's just a lot of Cs."

She squeezed his hand. "No way. I would give you an A for first date planning."

"What about second date planning?" He smiled at her. "I did actually think of something. How do you feel about board games?"

"Board games?" Jen had to laugh at that. She was pretty sure he didn't mean strip Monopoly or beer pong.

"Or not," Pacey said.

"No, I'm in," Jen said. "Which games?"

"Okay, this won't be quite as innocent white picket fence as you think, because we're going to break into my brother's apartment. He's working tomorrow night and I know how to get in. So we can play Risk and it will be risky," Pacey said. He kissed her hand and said, "And now I go this way. See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Jen said.

Pacey's brother's apartment was pretty nice, very neat. Pacey made a joke about his brother being gay and Jen said, "Actually, some of my best friends are gay."

"Sorry," Pacey said. He looked really upset before he covered it. He seemed very worried that Jen would dump him while she was waiting for him to run from the slut. They were perfectly matched.

"Are we making out first and then playing the game or playing the game then making out or just making out?" Jen grinned as she sat on the couch.

"No, we're definitely playing the game, absolutely. I would never think to schedule just a make out, that seems presumptuous and like I have expectations which seems like no, no, I did not plan a make out date." Pacey put the game on the coffee table. "Risk. Have you ever played Risk?"

"I didn't think you were planning an all make out date but I appreciate the long speech about it," Jen said. "So okay, tell me how to play Risk."

It turned out Jen was pretty good at Risk which Pacey seemed thrilled about, even when she won. "How refreshingly un-sexist of you," Jen said.

"You look amazing when you're plotting world domination," Pacey said. "I mean it. You have a glow. If Mussolini had had that kind of glow, maybe he could have done more than make the trains run on time."

"So you find it arousing," Jen said. "Time to make out then?"

Pacey smiled. "Okay, let me clean up so Doug probably won't be able to tell we were here."

"Wouldn't that be best after we make out?"

"Well, I was thinking, the bathroom. It's very nice and we can close the door. Because if Doug comes home unexpectedly and we're playing Risk, he probably doesn't yell so much, comes home and we're making out on the couch, he yells a lot. So if we're in the bathroom with the door closed, I feel like that's safer," Pacey said.

"I like that idea," Jen said. "You know why? Because I am still kinda taken back by this whole small town, sneaking around for places to make out thing. Do you know why I'm in Capeside?"

Pacey stopped at the bathroom door. He said, "You don't have to tell me anything. I mean it, Jen."

"My dad walked in on me having sex on his bed," Jen said, her throat suddenly aching.

Pacey sat down next to her on the couch. "That was definitely getting you noticed, huh?"

Jen laughed and made herself stop before it was tears. "Yes. I kinda feel like a fraud, the way I've presented myself to you."

"How would that work? You've mostly presented yourself as a pretty cool person who, like me, is ready to make a change. Right?" He put his arm around her. "The old Jen sounds like she had shitty parents, right?"

"Like yours," she said. "Please don't tell. I think Joey is almost willing to admit she might like me and Dawson would hate me."

"He wouldn't hate you," Pacey said. "You're the second girl I've seen him hot for. He might be a little judgmental. But he recovers well. Like, he figures out he's wrong."

"Do you think that's the non shitty parents?"

"God, probably. So we're both doomed to be awful people," Pacey said. "Please don't cry. We can play Risk again. I'll win this time and you can throw the board at me."

"Maybe we should just make out," Jen said.

"Only if you want to," Pacey said.

"How hard was that for you to say?" She ran her hand up his thigh to cup his balls through his pants.

"Ha ha, hard," Pacey said. "I meant it, though."

"Me, too," she said. "Let's get to that bathroom."


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: not mine, no profit garnered. Title and opening quote from Kristena Evans's poem the letter. For the gwyo bingo square in settings, seen below. Some bits of dialogue come straight from Dawson's Creek s1, s4, but I tried to avoid straight transcription. I moved some small bits around timing wise from s1, s2 and even s3 as well, but unlike the show, I didn't give Pacey two birthdays, so I feel okay about that. Jen describes a scene from Melanie Thernstrom's The Dead Girl.

The bathroom was meticulous and white. Jen said, "You know, this makes me think your brother might indeed be gay."

"He conforms to a number of stereotypes," Pacey said.

She pulled him towards her as she sat on the floor. They kissed again and she nudged him to touch her butt and breasts. He was eagerly led, she thought, smiling. She loved kissing him, she loved his hands. She unzipped his pants and pushed them down. "Second base again," she said. He had a nice dick, she thought.

They cleaned him up with toilet paper. "Come on, your turn," Pacey said. "I want you happy."

"Fine," she said. She pulled up her skirt and then pulled down her underwear. Pacey was speechless. "You've seen one before, right?"

"Um, not outside of porno mags and my sisters. And not in an Appalachian way, just they're obnoxious and changed in front of me when I was younger," he said.

She spread her legs and took his hand, showed him what she liked. He was a quick learner. She came, loudly. Pacey kissed her, half on top of her. She said, "Okay, I'm happy. Now we should both endeavor to look less like we just did what we just did."

They snuck out and he held her hand the whole walk home. He started talking about school work. She ranted about one of the teachers who let the boys run rampant in his class, even when they were just picking on the girls.

"He doesn't do that to all the boys, believe me," Pacey said.

"We are joined in our being the object of adult bullies," Jen said.

He kissed her chastely on her cheek again outside the door. Then he put his hand there, the lightest touch. He said, "I'm glad I could make you happy, Lindley."

She got to her room before she started crying, and she couldn't even figure out why.

Jen found herself looking forward to Thursday night study group. She didn't understand her freakout on Wednesday, but her Gramps was sick, Grams was still judgemental, and it hadn't even been a week since her parents had effectively kicked her out. She thought she was already forgetting that last argument while Drue looked miserable. She woke up Thursday ready to take on the day.

She ate lunch with Dawson, Pacey and Joey again. Dawson was now passing around his script for them to critique. He'd marked the parts they had already filmed. It was impressive how passionate Dawson and equally impressive how talented he was. She squeezed Pacey's hand and tried to join in the discussion.

At 8 sharp, Pacey and Joey came in with their books. Grams had made a plate of cookies and was lurking around somewhere. Joey said, "So what's the plan?"

Jen said, "I thought maybe we could check each other's homework? Like reading over essays to check for grammar or holes in the logic. We did it in middle school with one of my teachers and it was incredibly helpful."

Joey smiled. "Actually, that sounds great. Are you either of you taking Spanish?"

Pacey raised his hand. "I did that worksheet we have due tomorrow, I guess we could swap?"

Joey looked at him cautiously. Finally she said, "Cool."

They were actually productive, enough so that when Grams came in at 9:30 to tell them it was time for everyone to go home, she was nearly smiling. Jen said, "Okay, what time next week?"

"Thursday works for me," Joey said.

"Same," Pacey said. "Bye," he said, bending to quickly kiss her cheek and then walking quickly away before Grams could remonstrate him.

Working on the film was incredibly fun and Pacey took her out again Sunday evening, though they couldn't do much more than kiss since brother Doug was off from work and the picnic bench was already occupied. They sat on the end of the pier, Pacey behind her, draped over her like a blanket.

Jen complained about school, again. "I know I sound like a bitch, but half these teachers act like it's 1950, not two years before the 21st century."

"I bet they made your old teachers take a test before they could talk to students making sure they agreed with the liberal media on all accounts," Pacey said.

"You make it sound like a bad thing," Jen said, with a small laugh.

"I didn't mean to, I'd definitely prefer if all my teachers hadn't known me since I was born, and your test would eliminate half of them, at least," Pacey said.

He kissed the back of her neck and held her around the waist, pulling her closer. Then he was slowly moving his hand down towards her jeans. She said, "I think I like this idea."

"Good, good, it's not a good idea if you don't like it," Pacey said.

Her chest was suddenly heavy but she put her hand over his and breathed in the cool air until she felt back to normal. He was learning quick and her love of his hands was growing leaps and bounds. She bit at his other hand pressed against her mouth as she came. She leaned back against him as he pulled his hands away. "Aren't you glad I kept this? I cleaned it, though," he said, drying his hands on Grams's hanky.

She took it from him and cleaned herself up a little. Then she said, "Officially too gross to ever use it again." She threw it over the side into the ocean.

"Maybe I wanted it as a souvenir," Pacey said.

"Because you're a serial killer?" She got to her feet and pulled him up with her. She kissed him, pressed against him. She said, "Are you okay to walk?"

"Of course," he said. He closed his eyes. "I am thinking about my parents having sex. Oh, now Joey's scumbag dad is joining in. Okay, boner dead. Maybe forever." He opened his gorgeous blue eyes and she kissed him again.

Someone banged on the wooden rail a little ways from them. Pacey looked over and Jen guessed it was his brother. Pacey's whole posture shifted to sulky and defensive. He tightened his hold on her. He said, "Come on, Doug, the entire population of Capeside has kissed on this pier."

"But not you to date," Doug said. Jen disengaged herself slightly. Doug was more attractive than she would have thought, but she took an instant dislike to him because of Pacey's reaction.

"Jen, this is my brother Doug, I think I've mentioned him," Pacey said.

"Jen Lindley? I'm sorry about your grandfather, he's a real fun guy, I know him," Doug said and just like that, Jen liked him.

Pacey said, "What, no snide questions about why she's with me?"

"I'm sorry sometimes I don't lower myself to meet your asinine expectations," Doug said. "Here, this is for you, brother, move along. I'm pretty sure Jen at least has some sort of curfew."

"It was nice meeting you," Jen said as Pacey took her hand and stomped off.

After a few minutes of silence, Jen said, "I bet that's just what I'm like with my grandmother."

"Justifiably angry about how much of an asshole she's been to you?" Pacey looked skeptical.

"No, I think I just always expect the absolute worst from every encounter we have," Jen said. "And it's different, I know. Grams has probably been a lot nicer to me than your brother has been to you."

"Exactly," Pacey said. When they got to her house, he had calmed down and was smiling at her again. He even kissed her non-chastely at the door.

!

At study group, Pacey waved his copy of Wuthering Heights around. "This did nothing for me, at all."

"Wuthering Heights makes me think of two things," Jen said. "First, of course, the Kate Bush song."

"There was a song I could have listened to instead of reading this thing?"

Joey have him a judge-y look. "You've made it a month plus being a real student, Pacey, don't cave now." Like it wasn't inevitable. Joey and Dawson knew he'd soon return to his normal level of failure.

"Second," Jen said, "I read this book once where the author is in therapy and to distract herself, the author starts talking about the guest in the beginning not letting Catherine's ghost in, the cruelty of it."

"That guy was kind of a dick," Pacey said. "Okay, ladies, help me get this. None of the girls really participate in English class, probably because all the guys in Miss Jacobs's class are just idiot knuckle draggers staring at her tits."

Jen said, "Including you?"

"In the spirit of honesty," he said, "Yes. But I've been trying to get this book, I swear."

The three of them talked through the book for most of study group, enough that Jen's Grams came in and offered her own surprisingly interesting take. Engaging in intellectual discourse apparently softened Jen's Grams enough, she didn't make a face when he and Jen talked a little outside on the porch. Jen said, "I want to go to the dance on Saturday."

"Seriously?"

"Yes," Jen said, smiling. "I really want to. I've never been to a high school dance, I bet you haven't either."

"I also haven't shaved my balls with a rusty nail, but I'm good with missing out on that experience, too," Pacey said.

Jen said, softly, "My male friends have said that a clean shaven look down there can have advantages for fellows."

He stared at her. "I can't tell if you're joking. I don't want to know. You really want to do this adolescent ritual school dance thing?"

"I want to slow dance with my boyfriend listening to the latest in top 50 easy listening songs, probably sung by someone who opened a show at Lilith Fair," Jen said.

Pacey sighed. "Okay, I'll do the slow dances. I'll do the damn dance."

"And convince Joey to come and bring Dawson," Jen said.

"What?"

"You're the one who wants to get them together all the time, and we can be a double date," Jen said.

"Do I have to? And shouldn't I be working on the male part of this arranged couple?"

"No, you're going to tell Joey I want her to come but I'm still unsure of our friendship so I'm not sure she would really want to -"

"She won't want to," Pacey said.

"I know, but you'll convince her, and she'll come over to get ready with me and I can make her even more beautiful and then Dawson finally sees the light," Jen said.

"Why do you really care about this?" He took her hand, lacing their fingers together.

"Because I do like Joey and I want her to be happy and clearly neither of them will do anything without a little push," Jen said. She leaned over and kissed him. Grams rapped on the window.

"And that's my cue," Pacey said. He kissed her again and then hustled off the porch before Grams came out with a pitchfork.

He walked home happy. He was happy a lot now. He liked Jen, he really liked her a lot. It wasn't just the handjobs and super hot kissing and the way he would put his mouth on her beautiful tits and she would make these sounds that went straight to his dick. All those things were great. He liked making her come. He really liked when she made him come. But more, he liked how she made him feel at least 75% less like a loser. She liked him. She genuinely liked him. For most of Pacey's life that was a list with two names on it: Dawson and Gretchen. And maybe Joey sometimes. Now he had very smart, very pretty, very independent Jen who genuinely liked him. Most of the time he didn't think it was because he had fooled her into thinking he was a better guy than he was. He would come crashing down to reality soon enough. He was still the worthless loser his father told him he was. Pacey just wanted to hold off a little longer on failing.

Not that Jen didn't have her own rocky road map of issues. Most of which Pacey couldn't quite figure out, but there were things when they made out that made Jen uncomfortable. If he could figure out those things, he would never do them, ever. She only mentioned her past in the vaguest of terms, basically just when she was saying no one had ever been nice to her like Pacey was. Which was insane and made Pacey want to punch all those someones in her past.

He even liked doing well enough in school. Only Jen, Dawson and Joey believed Pacey wasn't an idiot these days but that was three more than a month ago. Actually four, since Pacey also thought he was smart enough. Two weeks ago at an extra study group, Joey had brought practice PSAT tests and Pacey hadn't done as well as Joey and Jen, but he had done pretty close to as well as. The test itself was about two weeks away and Pacey had had to beg his dad for the entrance fee plus the late fee to even take the damn thing so he had better do well. His dad had said if Pacey screwed up the PSAT, he expected a refund of everything he'd paid, which was about the kind of support Pacey expected. Jen had said, "Notice he doesn't define screwed up, it's a moving target you can never reach. Unless you score perfect, you're gonna have screwed it up." He knew she was right. He tried to take it to heart.

He tackled the 'convince Joey to go to this ridiculous dance' straight away in the morning. He stood at her locker and said, "Okay, let's get out of this way, I know you're going to say no at first, but I'm going to overcome that surly refusal."

She glared at him.

"Jen really wants to go to Saturday's dance. She says she wants you to go to, because it will be a fun double date."

"I'd rather shave your balls with a rusty nail," Joey said. "And please stop using that as your go to example of tasks you hate."

"I read it on the internet and now I can't get it out of my head. It's just such an awful image," Pacey said.

"Like me going to the dance, like a loser fifth wheel while you spend the whole night looking at Jen," Joey said.

"No, double date," Pacey said. "Convince Dawson to go with you. Look, we're all already getting together in the afternoon for PSAT studying now starring Dawson Leery, so after that, you and Jen go off be pretty girls and I convince Dawson to wear something presentable for you."

"Please, you're the one who's gonna look like he stepped out of a homeless shelter," Joey said. But she had paused in grabbing her books. He might be getting through to her.

"If I convince Dawson to go with you, will you do it? Jen really wants you to come," Pacey said.

"But she sent you to talk to me? Does she not know I don't like you?" Joey stuffed her last book in her backpack.

"Come on, that's not true," Pacey said. He looked at her with his best sad face. He actually hoped she was joking. She seemed to like him more now.

She grimaced at him. "Fine, you're occasionally tolerable. And if you can somehow get Dawson to go along with this silly idea, I salute you."

Dawson he saved for after school. Though, of course, Joey had warned him. "I don't want to go to the dance, Pacey, come on."

"You come on," Pacey said. "You've seen 5000 movies that feature a school dance and I'm lowballing it with that number, you should take this completely low risk chance to experience not vicariously."

"Extreme low risk?"

Pacey said, "Absolutely low risk. Come on, you know you'll have fun with Joey, and don't tell Jen, but I want you there. I need you to make sure I don't screw up basically the best thing ever to happen in my life."

Dawson smiled. "I can stop you from screwing up with Jen? By the way, speaking of screwing …"

Pacey said, "Jen prefers to keep things private so I keep things private so if we were or were not I would say the same thing."

"Not yet," Dawson said. "That makes sense. Don't want to rush it."

"Shut up, dude," Pacey said. "Ask Joey to the dance, okay?"

Dawson did indeed finally man up and ask Joey to the dance so their foursome was in place. First there was study group PSAT style. Dawson said, "I know this is my first time, but I hope you won't all bring out all the in-jokes and make me feel out in the cold."

"We don't have in-jokes," Joey said.

"Maybe I should come to the non-PSAT study group," Dawson said.

"It's exciting," Pacey said, "as long as you're not afraid of Mrs. Ryan lurking just outside the door."

"She could be coming around to you," Joey said.

"She isn't," Jen said. "I'm pretty sure she's convinced if she weren't there, Pacey would have me and Joey naked and bent over the table for his filthy desires."

"I wouldn't do that," Joey said.

"Though, God, please call me if you ever change your mind on that, wow," Pacey said. He shifted in his seat. Jen could be so vivid. She smirked at him.

Joey and Dawson glared at him which seemed like a good sign for Jen's matchmaking.

Dawson's parents naturally sprung for a limo even though it wasn't a homecoming dance or anything. Pacey would have rolled his eyes but since Mr. Leery had also loaned him the blazer and tie he was wearing, he said nothing.

Joey, predictably, looked amazing, even though she was just wearing a sundress and some make up. Dawson couldn't stop staring. Jen looked like a goddess. "I even dug out my highest heels," she said, lifting her leg a little. "For once, I am going to be at something other than chest level with you."

"Can you even walk in those things?" Joey sounded more awed than surly which was nice.

"I can run in these things," Jen said. "My mom had me in heels at age 5."

"If for some reason we have to run, like this turns into one of those horror allegories at the school dance, you just jump on my back, and let me do it," Pacey said.

"Duh," Jen said. "You have the longest legs."

It was just a victory dance so after Pacey looked around, he pulled off the tie and handed it to Dawson. "I think I can make this work without getting strangled," he said.

He pulled Jen on the dance floor as soon as a slow song started. She looked up at him disappointed. "4 inch heels and my hair barely hits your nose."

"Bigger hair next time," he said, pulling her close. He didn't actually know how to dance but Jen had said to grab and sway. He could definitely grab. She giggled and leaned into his chest.

"I think it's working," Jen said. He glanced over at Dawson and Joey. They were dancing stiffly, but they were laughing with each other. "I feel very accomplished."

"Yeah, you and 10 years of their own feelings," Pacey said. "They were bound to break eventually, you know."

"Yes, but I wanted it to be before either one of them exploded in a mass of hormones and repression," Jen said.

He bent down less than normal and kissed her. "It's so sweet of you to save us all from spontaneous teen combustion."

Jen looked around again and said, "Ugh, Miss Jacobs. I think she's actually flirting with that boy."

"Damn, you mean I missed my chance?" He smiled.

"I just think it's kind of, why isn't she comfortable with someone her age?" Jen frowned. Then she said, "Why aren't you calling out my hypocrisy?"

"Should I be? You're dating someone your own age, you're the new Jen Lindley, right?"

"Yeah, but, remember, you're the second," Jen said. "I am definitely in a structure made of glass holding a projectile."

"Or, you've learned from your own experiences and therefore have a right to be a little judgey about our gorgeous English teacher," Pacey said.

Jen looked a little sad which Pacey thought of as her shitty bad past face. She said, "You have that look on your face."

"What look?"

"The look of jeez, Jen, how many older men have you been with?"

"I never have that look," Pacey said. "I never have a look of judging your past. I have a look of jeez, Jen, you always look sad about your past relationships and why can't I hunt them all down and beat the shit out of them for making someone as amazing as you unhappy? I have that look, probably a lot."

She smiled up at him. "You're pretty wonderful. Miss Jacobs would have been very lucky to seduce you."

"That is the weirdest compliment, but I will take it," Pacey said. "Hey, guess who's on duty tonight? 9 pm to 5 am, Deputy Doug, Deputy Doug."

"Isn't that interesting news," Jen said, casually. She moved out of his arms and went over to Joey. Then she came back. "We should go."

"We've been here twenty minutes," he said. "Nevermind, I take it back."

It was a longer walk than normal to Doug's apartment since Jen was in her heels. "You are carrying me home," she said.

"No, I'm liberating my Dad's jeep and driving us home," Pacey said. "We can go there now, if your feet hurt."

"No way," Jen said. "I'm wearing the underwear Grams tries to hide because it's too sinful."

"That is fantastic news," Pacey said.

"And you know how school dances traditionally end in those kind of movies," Jen said.

"What are you implying, Jen? We're going to start a serial killer spree around town?" He stumbled a little as he walked thinking about what she'd said.

"No, I meant they usually end in sex," Jen said. "Which we could do tonight."

Pacey said, "Ah, uh, okay. If you want."

She looked over at him. "Or not," she said.

"I definitely want to, Jen, I do, but you can't expect me not to be a little nervous about making it decent for you," he said. "Also, just in general, you know, sex. I'm not Dawson or Joey, but I'm still, you know, from Capeside."

"Which is so different from New York City," Jen said.

"From your New York City," Pacey said. "Though again, if you want to, I am definitely up for it."

"I would prefer to wait, you're right. I am not that girl anymore. I think I'll just give you a blowjob," Jen said. Pacey stumbled again.

They went straight to the bathroom. Jen took off her dress but left on her fantastic lace bra and sheer panties. She started looking through the medicine chest. She looked over her shoulder and said, "This will be easier if you're naked. Also, less likely to get Dawson's dad's blazer, uh, unclean."

"I'll even fold it," Pacey said.

"Technically, you should hang it on a hanger, but you know, folding is fine," Jen said. "You undress fast." She smiled at him and was hopefully smiling also at his happy erection. "Lie down and close your eyes."

"I shouldn't watch my first blowjob?"

"Trust me," Jen said. He felt her slick hand touching him not where he expected. "Trust me," Jen repeated. "When have I steered you wrong?"

He relaxed and let Jen do her thing and it helped that also she stopped talking and her mouth was on him. He tried to say, "The, uh, oh, the biology quiz, uh, uh, you were wrong about -" He stopped talking. It was basically the to date best thing he'd ever felt in his life.

As it turned out, Jen swallowed. He opened his eyes and sat up with as much grace as he could manage. "You are incredible. Get over here and let me do a tenth of that to you which would still be amazingly awesome."

"Oh, yeah?" She walked over to him, her sheer panties with the little bits of lace still on. He pulled her to him by her thighs and then with his free hand pushed the panties aside. Between his fingers and his mouth, she did also come, and pretty loudly. He guided her down to sitting beside him.

She kissed him and there was a tang in her mouth. Or his. She sat back and pulled her panties off. "You know, I'm on the pill and you are, as you keep telling me, a virgin."

She sat up and touched him. Then she was straddling him and lowering herself on his dick. "Oh God," he said.

Jen held onto his shoulders and mumbled things to him to help him or guide him. Or something.

He came first, of course. She brought his hand down and came after. She was still holding onto his shoulders. She said, "This is still new Jen, though. I've never waited so long to have sex, and I've actually never had sex with someone who hadn't had sex before. And I've never been with someone who was so kind to me, all the time."

"That's just wrong," Pacey said. "You deserve so much better. Also, was that good? Did I do okay?"

"You were great," she said. They kissed for a long time.

Then they cleaned up and tried to make sure Doug wouldn't find out. As they were again walking to Pacey's house so he could liberate the jeep, Jen said, "Doug has to know."

"I'm pretty sure he does," Pacey said. "But so far he hasn't been on my back. I don't know if it's my grades or some phase of the moon making him want to be nice to me."

"He shouldn't need your grades or the moon to be nice to you, that's how families should work," Jen said. She looked away from him, at the dark houses they were passing. He could not believe he had just had sex.

Jen said, "You know, my first time, I had, I had run out of my house because I saw my Dad having sex with my old babysitter, and I loved her, I looked up to her, and I loved him, but it was just, it was the worst. So I left and I don't remember how exactly I ended up in this guy's dorm room, and I was so drunk and, I honestly barely remember it."

"That sounds awful," Pacey said. "Was this last year?"

"Ha," Jen said. "It was three years ago. I was 12."

Pacey felt like throwing up. He said, "You were, Jen, I know how my Dad would describe someone getting a 12 year old drunk and then having sex with her."

"I was just in a fast crowd, I was sexualized too young, stop." Jen dropped his hand and walked ahead of him. She turned and said, "Stop saying that. Stop."

"Okay," he said. He knew she wanted him to say he was sorry, he was wrong, but there was no way he was. He said, "We're here. I'll drive you home."

"Good," she said. She sniffled. He'd made her cry. He felt like an ass. But he was angrier at whatever dipshit found some sad 12 year old, got her drunk, and raped her.

They didn't talk the whole drive. He stopped a little bit from her house. He reached for her hand and she didn't push him away. She said, "I'm sorry I freaked out -"

"Don't you dare apologize," Pacey said. "You have nothing to apologize for, not to me, not to anyone."

"You're wrong, but thank you. Look, I'm going with Dawson to the station tomorrow to do some dubbing for the movie, but after we can hang out if you want?" Her voice sounded like she was trying not to cry.

He said, "I always want to hang out with you. We can just do our homework or whatever you want."

"You are the only 15 year old boy in the world to ever say that after having sex," Jen said, and laughed. She kissed his cheek and got out of the car.

When he got home and had once again successfully snuck past the parents who didn't care what happened to him, he couldn't fall asleep.

He wanted to separate how great the day had been and all the time at Doug's from what Jen had said on the walk home. It didn't really work.

In the morning he made his own breakfast as per usual, because why would anyone save waffles or pancakes for him in his own house? He was eating cereal and reading his latest book for English when the phone rang. His mother answered and then said, obviously completely surprised, "Pacey? There's a girl calling for you. I have no idea who it is."

Pacey stood up and said, "I dunno, Mom, you think it might be the girl I've been dating for two months?" He took the phone from her. He said, "Hey, Jen."

"How did you know it wasn't Jo?" Jen laughed a little. "I just wanted to say, I feel like I overreacted last night. And you overreacted last night and now we're fine, right?"

He hadn't overreacted at all. But he said, "We're great." He wasn't good enough for her and the kind of great guy she really deserved, but he kept fooling her so he'd take it.

"Good, good," Jen said. "Because I have to tell you about this morning. You know Dawson and I went down to the station to dub some stuff for the movie and guess who could not stop talking about Joey?"

"It must have been you," Pacey said.

She laughed again. "Apparently they even kissed," she said. "But that's not the real news. The real news is after we finished dubbing and we were walking out talking about what Dawson should do for their first real date, we saw his mother kissing her co-anchor."

"Wow," Pacey said. "Poor Dawson. He must've been devastated."

"He was, he went straight to Joey, I don't think he even said goodbye to me," Jen said.

"Well, that's not right."

Jen breathed for a moment. Then she said, "So it's Sunday, wanna do dinner and a movie?"

"If you're paying," Pacey said, laughing. "Sorry, I'd love to, but my dad's been taking most of my wages to pay for the late fees for the PSAT."

"Well, okay, I can be liberated. I'll see you at the Rialto at 4."

"It's a deal," Pacey said.

He expected Dawson to be in a bummer mood when he came into work, but Dawson was deeply deeply in a super bummer mood. "Sorry, man, Jen told me," Pacey said.

"Did she tell you Joey already knew? Had known since the day after Jen came to town? I don't know what's wrong with her," Dawson said, slamming around the store, putting videos away.

"She probably didn't tell you because she was worried how you would react," Pacey said. "Think about it, what would you have done if she told you back then?"

"I would have been angry," Dawson said. "Like I am now."

"Yeah, either way you're angry at her, she hates that idea," Pacey said. "It's a pretty tricky situation to navigate. I mean, it's not like it's my parents."

"Because you wouldn't care," Dawson said.

"I would care," Pacey said. "But Dawson, you have awesome parents, you're an only child, you're a tight little family unit. Not so much the Witter clan."

"Mom's not really being an awesome parent," Dawson said.

"Yeah, sorry," Pacey said.

"Can we take a break from talking about me? How was your night?"

Pacey smiled. "It was 99% incredibly perfect, and the last 1% was awful. But I get it, how I see things is not how Jen chooses to see things and I can't impose my views on her, or just spring 'em on her so I just need to let her come around on her own and if she wants to call the me overreacting, so be it."

"That made absolutely no sense," Dawson said. He smiled. "But you two are happy."

"Dinner and a movie tonight in the opposite order, she's paying, so I think so," Pacey said. "You should talk to Joey. She had a ton of good reasons not to tell you and you're cutting off your nose to spite your face if you decide to hold a grudge about this one thing you think is a lapse."

"Whatever," Dawson said.

"Whatever indeed," Pacey said.


	3. Chapter 3

Jen liked having sex with Pacey. He wasn't like anyone she'd been with, maybe because she'd really never been with a virgin before. Even now, he was always so gentle and tender and kind. After that first time, he never pushed about her past.

It was her past, she knew what had happened to her, despite whatever stupid words Pacey wanted to use about it.

He'd planted an evil seed in her head, though. She resented him for that. If she told him that, he would just feel validated making her sound like some pathetic victim. Then he would feel bad and hate himself more than he usually did. She slept badly.

She'd had a nightmare a few nights ago and even though she hadn't woken with any screams or whatever, Grams had come into her room. Jen had meant to tell her to go back to Gramps. Instead Grams sat down next to her and held her. She'd said to Jen, "I love you, Jennifer," over and over again.

"You wouldn't if you knew," Jen had said, not even sure what she meant.

Grams had said, "God and Jesus judge, I only pray for you and love you, no matter what."

"Even if I murdered someone," Jen had said.

"I would come to visit you in jail every week and tell you I love you. I would knit you things," Grams had said, very seriously.

"Even if I were bad," Jen had said.

"No matter what," Grams had said. "I love you, Jennifer."

She was able to go back to sleep after that, even if she didn't entirely trust Grams.

Pacey liked to hold her hand wherever they went. He was a very handsy guy, in a nice way. She was getting used to getting kissed and almost shown off. She was getting used to his intent face when he fingered her or went down on her, all that concentration on her, to make sure she was getting off. Apparently that was all Jen needed to come every time, someone looking at her like it mattered that she came.

Three days ago, she'd had yet another malicious and condescending encounter with her teacher and she didn't even tell Pacey, but when he got to her locker, he hugged her. She liked that when he hugged her, she could tuck her head under his chin.

"So for me to have that, I need to date a Boston Celtic," Joey had said, laughing.

"It's nice," Jen had said.

School was cancelled because of the storm and Grams had even let her sleep in. Now she heard knocking on the door downstairs, so she got dressed.

It was Mr. Leery inviting them to come over to their house. She dutifully followed Grams to the Leery house and then went upstairs to sit with Dawson. "You still haven't told your mother you know?"

"No, but I'm going to," Dawson said. "Today."

"Good luck with that," Jen said. She looked out at the window as the Potters drove up. Jen said, "Joey's here with Bessie and Bodie. You should talk to Joey."

"I'm doing okay without her," Dawson said.

"You're not at all," Jen said.

"You and Pacey are coordinating these attacks, aren't you?"

Jen laughed. "We aren't. We actually don't talk about you and Joey even 10% of the time we're together."

"What do you talk about?" Dawson looked genuinely curious.

"What do you and Pacey talk about?"

Dawson laughed. "Not you," he said. "Pacey is locked up tighter than Fort Knox when it comes to the two of you. He's very discreet and he says you value your privacy."

"He's a very good boyfriend," Jen said. "You would be a very good boyfriend."

"You'd have to dump Pacey first," Dawson said.

"I meant you and Joey," Jen said.

"Again, you and Pacey are attacking me along the same exact lines," Dawson said.

"Neither of us are attacking you," Jen said.

Joey came in just then. She sat down next to Jen with a huff. Dawson also huffed a little. They were both such children. Jen said, "Well, I'm leaving the room so you two can talk which you should."

She went downstairs and sat on the porch. She wished she'd taken one of their books from Dawson's room to read. She smiled the minute she saw Pacey walking his way up to her. "Hello, missy," he said. He kissed her hello.

Jen said, "What are you doing here?"

"Deputy Doug was making me help him help the townsfolk, but then we got to Miss Jacobs's house and he kicked me to the curb so he could pretend to flirt," Pacey said. He sat down next to her. "So my options were home or hang out with you. Clearly I chose the option that involved significantly fewer people who think I'm the worst."

"I don't think much of you," Joey said, sitting down next to him.

"You got nowhere with Dawson?" Jen frowned.

"No, actually, we did get somewhere. We talked. It was good. He headed out to confront his mother so I thought, hey, the porch sounds better than being anywhere near that," Joey said. "I'm a coward."

"No," Jen said. "He doesn't need an audience for that."

"Seriously, Jo, you are not being a coward," Pacey said.

"I should have told him when I first saw, I just, you know, I couldn't bear to have him look at me and be angry," Joey said.

"He wouldn't have wanted to hear it," Pacey said. "Joey, you have to remember, this is the worst thing that ever happened to Dawson. He's not like us. Or you."

"What does that mean?" Joey frowned.

"I just mean, Dawson's never had anyone who he loved die, or his parents have a crisis, no one ever told him he shouldn't even have been born, or had his parents kick him out of the house because they sucked at being parents," Pacey said. Jen leaned against Pacey, to make him feel better. She'd never heard the never been born story but she knew it had happened to him.

"So you're saying -"

"I'm saying, he's bad at this. It's his first time dealing with anything bad, so, I dunno, cut him some slack," Pacey said.

"Dawson's life is so blessed, it's okay if he's a jerk," Joey said. "You're being very tolerant of Dawson, I must say."

"He's a good man, Charlie Brown," Pacey said.

The storm got bad and the three of them went inside, just as Mr. Leery stormed out to his car. Pacey said, "Let's hang out with Grams and Bessie and Bodie, I bet that's going great."

To Jen's surprise, it was going great. Grams was giving Bessie tips from her long career of nursing. Grams didn't even complain about Pacey having his arm around Jen. Joey disappeared up to Dawson's room.

Jen wasn't surprised when Joey came early to study group that week and sort of cornered Jen where Grams couldn't hear. Joey said, "I'm not calling you a slut, because I know you're not -"

"No one is a slut," Jen said. "The patriarchy invented that term to make women feel bad for enjoying sex."

"Which you do," Joey said. "I mean, you and Pacey, I kind of assumed."

Jen nodded. "We are having sex and I enjoy it. We don't do it every date or anything like that."

"But you've only been going out 2 or 3 months, how do you know when the time is right?" Joey kept looking around furtively like someone was going to jump her for starting this discussion.

"We knew when the time was right for us," Jen said. "There isn't some magical formula."

"I know," Joey said. "I know. But sometimes when we're kissing, I really, you know."

"You want more," Jen said. "And you don't want more."

"Exactly," Joey said. "Was it like that with Pacey?"

Jen shrugged. "I wasn't a virgin before Pacey, but parts of it were still like that. Look, Joey, you understand there are a lot of steps between sex and kissing? Or just things you can do instead of sex?"

"Of course," Joey said. Then she looked beseechingly at Jen.

"Okay, let me run through what Pacey called the bases and then I'll add in some other fun things."

Right after Jen explained that Elvis had loved dry humping, Joey said, "Okay. I get it. But how do I do any of that well?"

"Fun part of dating a virgin: he has no idea if you're bad at something," Jen said. "That's also the downside. I know you're going to hate hearing this, but the trick to be being good isn't a trick, it's communicating. You know, talking about what you like, what he likes."

"A fate worse than death," Joey said, smiling.

Then Pacey arrived and they all studied.

Two nights later, they were back in Doug's bathroom. "Perfect date," Jen said. "I beat you at Risk for the 500th time and we had very enjoyable sex." They were laying across from each other on the cold floor, naked. "How far do you think Joey and Dawson have gotten on your bases system?" She sat up slowly.

"Thank you for observing the only 10% of our conversation can be about the blessed couple rule," Pacey said. "Dawson said that as of last night, he had rounded 2nd base while Joey had not."

"Did you tell him that's not fair? Good boyfriends -"

"As much as I don't want to be talking about Joey Potter's sexual satisfaction, I did mention it," Pacey said. He eased his boxers on. "Apparently, Joey is having her female times. Which is the only reason Dawson didn't do anything."

"Orgasms are great for cramps," Jen said. "Do you think you'll tell Dawson how much you like fingers in your butt?"

"Never, ever in a quadrillion years, even at gun point," Pacey said, standing up and kissing her. She still smiled at the press of his lips to hers.

"I'll tell him boys in general enjoy it," Jen said. "I did really have a lot of gay friends in New York."

"I'm so glad we're talking about this," Pacey said. Jen kissed him again.

Pacey drove her home in his Dad's stolen jeep.

!

When Pacey got back to the house and rolled the jeep back into its parking place, he saw a looming spectre, a vision that could bode ill or good. "Pacey," Gretchen said, standing in front of the now still jeep. "You stole the car. I was going to use it tonight."

"Gretchen," Pacey said, getting out. "Did you tell anyone in there I took the jeep?"

"Of course not," Gretchen said. She hugged him and stepped back. "Where did you take it?"

"I was driving my girlfriend home," Pacey said.

"You have a girlfriend," Gretchen said. "Doug said something like you might have a few months ago. Which is also the last time we really talked, so don't take it personally."

"I do have a girlfriend. Since September. Her name is Jen," Pacey said, knowing he was smiling. "You remember the Ryans? Their granddaughter. She's very smart and pretty. In all this time she still hasn't realized she could do 100 times better."

"Aww, I think you're pretty, too, Pacey," Gretchen said, "Dad said something at dinner about you pretending to be interested in college or something."

"Yeah, I'm pretending," Pacey said, shifting a little. He loved Jen's bold exploration of the prostate gland, but his butt always felt a little weird after.

"I bet you're not pretending," Gretchen said.

"Why are you home, Gretchen?" Pacey tried to sling his backpack over his shoulder but he hit the jeep and his backpack fell to the ground.

"Fuck," Pacey said. The tiny hole on one side had turned into a rip. He was going to have somehow get a new one even though Dad was still taking his meager paychecks to pay for the PSAT. He rubbed his forehead and bit his lip.

Gretchen said, "I have another backpack at school, you can have the one I brought down." She patted his head. "I promise it's not pink."

"Thank you," Pacey said.

Gretchen stood up and said, "Pace, why do you have this book?"

It was his copy of I Never Called It Rape from the library. Pacey said, "First let me tell you the reason I told Doug in case he asks. Which is that during one of Dad's many rants about how I would never go to college, he mentioned that I didn't even have extracurriculars. So I decided to volunteer at the counseling center at the community college. They combine forces with our high school to bring counsel to our confused and troubled teenagers all through Capeside."

"That's not a bad reason. You'd be good at it. What's the real reason?"

"I think," Pacey ran his hand through his hair. "Okay, the first time Jen and I had sex, she was telling me about losing her virginity, like, she saw her father banging her babysitter, she went out all upset and some guy got her drunk and then she wakes up and they've had sex. PS she was twelve and the guy was in college."

"Oh, God," Gretchen said.

"And I said, I know what my dad would call that and I didn't even say the word but she got super upset with me and told me to stop saying it. She says we both overreacted. I don't think I overreacted at all. I dunno how to talk to her, if I should talk to her, you know?"

Gretchen said, "Pacey." He got another hug. "Is the book helpful?"

"Sort of," Pacey said. "I get why she doesn't want to call it what it was, but she has to make her own choices, I guess. Every single story she has about the guys she dated in New York City are just awful like that. She was high, she drank enough to black out, her last boyfriend was a fucking drug dealer. He got her high, and then he came to see her at school to sell drugs, but she acts like, hey, second date."

"Yeah," Gretchen said. "I know some girls like that at school. Unlike them, Jen is dating someone decent and breaking her bad streak."

"I'm like the bare minimum of decent and she acts like I'm Mother Theresa," Pacey said.

"You are not the bare minimum," Gretchen said. "A lot of guys wouldn't have reacted the way you did. They would have written Jen off as a slut. Said it was her fault, made her feel worse."

"I made her feel bad, she cried," Pacey said. "It's all Doug's fault. Remember that swim coach your senior year?"

"Last year, yeah, I remember," Gretchen said. "I knew one of those girls."

"I made one stupid remark, and for months Doug was lecturing me about consent and I think he even used the phrase rape culture," Pacey said. Pacey stared at Gretchen. "What is that face?"

"Hey," Gretchen said. She sniffled. "It's not every day you find out your brothers are really good guys." She took Pacey's arm and led him back to the house. "I think, when it comes to Jen, you just keep doing what you're doing. Say you're upset about how those other guys treated her, just let her know you don't think it's right. You can't make her change how she sees herself."

"But I feel like she'll never get, she'll always have these issues that she doesn't deal with," Pacey said. He sighed. "So you're back for Thanksgiving?"

"Yes, I have your room, by the way, you're supposed to sleep on the couch," Gretchen said.

"Fuck," Pacey said. "Can I come back in to use the desk, I have this report I'm supposed to do."

"Yeah," Gretchen said. "You'll need to. Kerry brought her kids and Paula is back, too." She stopped at him. "Where are you having sex with your girlfriend? I always had to go to the boy's house but no way the Ryan house is sex friendly."

"Doug's apartment," Pacey said, smiling.

"His apartment? For real? You're having sex on Doug's bed?"

"No, not at all, in his bathroom," Pacey said.

"That's brilliant, why didn't I think of it?"

"I've always said I'm smarter than you," Pacey said.

Two days later, when school was out, Jen actually showed up at his door. In fact, she got out of Doug's patrol car. She was smiling and glowing. "Oh my god, Pacey, Joey's sister had her baby in Dawson's living room with Grams as her midwife."

He hugged her and said, "How's Bessie? Is the baby okay? I assume you're not smiling because anyone is bad, but just in case, I have to ask you."

"Everyone's great, it's a beautiful boy, they named him Alexander," Jen said. "Wait, you go down two steps and let me stand here."

"You love being taller than me," Pacey said. She leaned down and kissed him.

Doug walked up to the door. He said, "Are you going to invite her in, Pacey? Or just stand out here and be rude?"

Pacey exhaled. He said, "Why did Doug give you a ride?"

"The ambulance wasn't coming for an hour so Grams suggested calling the deputies after the baby arrived. Both came, the other one, whathisface, took Bessie and the baby, I said I wanted to tell you all about it, Doug said he would drop me off," Jen said. She whispered in his ear, "I didn't want to be rude after everything we've done in his bathroom."

"No one's going to offer you anything to drink," Pacey said. "No Grams here."

Jen said, "Show me your bed." She was still smiling.

"Ha, Gretchen's in it," Pacey said.

They walked through the living room where as expected no one looked up. He waved at the kitchen where Doug and his mom were talking about cooking. Pacey walked further back and pointed at the rooms. "That's Kerry's room, where she is with her kids. Usually, it's unoccupied. You'll note it's larger than mine, like all these rooms. That's Paula's room, where she is again. Usually unoccupied, but Dad uses it for his gun collection since Gretchen graduated. Gretchen took the room when Paula left, but she is currently in my room. Here's Doug's room which is basically still a Doug shrine since sometimes if he's too tired after a long night of lapping up Dad's praise, he can sleep here."

Pacey knocked but there was no answer. "Gretchen is out, I think she's hanging out with her friends who are back. Also, she actually loves me and wanted me to have a place to study."

Jen leaned against the door to close it. "Was this originally a closet?"

"Yup," Pacey said. "I was a surprise baby Mom didn't even want so they converted the closet to my nursery and then it just stayed as my room. Even after Kerry left, after Doug and Paula left, even after Gretchen graduated."

"You're not bitter at all," Jen said, still smiling.

"I'm very bitter," Pacey said. He sat down on his bed. It was a twin jammed against the wall, the only kind that would fit.

Jen picked up his backpack. "You got a new one?"

"No," Pacey said. "It's Gretchen's, mine broke."

"Now I know what to get you for Christmas," Jen said. She was looking at his desk. "Where did you get this picture of us? I've never seen it."

"Dawson took it, he was trying out a fancy camera, I think. He liked how it turned out, and I think Joey had the idea to frame it up nice," Pacey said. He pulled her onto his lap and buried his face in her hair. "Can we please go? Anywhere?"

"Of course, sweetie," Jen said.

!

"I can't believe Joey fell asleep during study group," Dawson said as he and Jen walked to their last period class.

"She really truly did," Jen said. "I guess it's hard to sleep with a newborn in the house."

"Alexander has some lungs on him," Dawson said. "I've been over there, he has stamina and his voice really carries. He would be great on stage."

Jen laughed. "So you and Joey are managing to date around the new baby?"

"Yeah, it's great. She's amazing, you know. We can talk for hours which we already knew, but something about kissing someone you're already so close to, it's unbelievably wonderful," Dawson said.

"You're adorable when you're in love," Jen said.

"Hey, you get a twinkle in your eye and even a slight blush when you talk about a certain Mr. Witter," Dawson said.

"Please don't tell Pacey about my secret crush on Doug," Jen said.

Jen stared past Dawson, she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Dawson said, "Jen, you okay?"

"No," Jen said, walking past him. It was Billy.

She marched up to him and said, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, Jenny," Billy said. "I missed you."

"No, you didn't, it's been months since I left. You never once called or wrote."

"Do I seem like the type to call or write?" Billy smirked and guided her outside.

"I have a boyfriend, asshole. Go home," Jen said.

The asshole leaned down and kissed her, shoving his tongue in her mouth. She pushed him away and slapped him. "I said I have a boyfriend, and, more importantly, I'm not interested in you at all."

"I brought some party favors, Jenny, if that would help," Billy said.

"No," Jen said. "I have a boyfriend, I love him, I don't want you around and I don't care," Jen said. "I'm already late for class."

"Skip class," Billy said. "At least let me catch you up on the gossip. I won't try to kiss you again, but I have to say you seemed to like it."

"I didn't," Jen said. She was sure she hadn't. She looked back at the school. She said, "You stand right there, and you catch me up on the gossip and then you drive back."

Billy smirked at her again. He did have a lot to tell her about her friends and she fell easily into the rhythm of their give and take. She remembered this. Billy was a sleazy alpha male, very different from Pacey.

Then school let out and she saw Billy looking over the students trying to find his next customer. She remembered that, too. It amused her. Billy sidled up to her and held her waist. "You missed me," he said.

She elbowed him and stepped away. "I want you to go."

Just like she dreaded, Pacey walked up to her. "Jen, what's up? Dawson said you skipped class."

"Is this the boyfriend? Is this my replacement? You went young and tall," Billy said.

Pacey looked instantly furious. To her complete surprise, Pacey took one step forward and punched Billy right in the jaw. Billy went down and every student around suddenly found their little circle fascinating. Jen said, "What the fuck?"

"I don't like that guy," Pacey said. "I've wanted to punch one of your exes since our first date, so that was really satisfying. I don't even mind the searing pain in my hand."

"I'm gonna sue you," Billy said, scrambling to get up. His lip was split and bleeding.

"My dad is the sheriff," Pacey said. "In fact, my brother's a deputy, too. Jen said something once that makes me think you don't want either of those guys anywhere near your car."

Billy glared. He said, "Jen, you want me to stay, don't you?"

"No," Jen said. "I told you I want you to go."

"Your kiss said yes," Billy said, looking over at Pacey.

Jen glanced at Pacey and said, "The kiss you forced on me and I pushed you away and slapped you for. This was a fun conversation, now go."

"If you really want me to," Billy said, wiping his mouth.

Pacey said, "I'm going inside to call my big bro and have him search your car. It's gonna be a big day for him, he doesn't get to arrest drug dealers all by himself that often." He walked back inside.

Billy said, "That guy is really serious, isn't he?"

"Yes, he's going to call his brother, who is a deputy and you should get on the road before Doug arrives," Jen said.

"He seemed kind of upset about the kiss, don't you think? If he dumps you, you should definitely call me."

"I'd rather shave my cunt with a rusty nail," Jen said.

"Okay," Billy said. He did, finally, back up and start walking to his car.

Joey came up behind Jen, surprising her. "Hey, is that the ex-boyfriend? Is he attractive when Pacey hasn't beat the crap out him?"

"He got one punch in," Jen said. "Thank you for making me laugh."

"Trust me, it's already a full beatdown according to everyone I passed on the way out here," Joey said. "So, as feminists, are we upset that the man was the one to throw the punch or do we say screw feminism, how neat is it that Pacey beat your ex-boyfriend nearly to death?"


	4. Chapter 4

Jen laughed again. "I'm so glad I have friends."

Pacey came back out, still radiating anger. "Jen," he said. She couldn't read anything in his voice.

"I'll be waiting for you two over there," Joey said, walking away quickly.

"Pacey, I'm sorry," Jen said. "He did kiss me, but -"

"But he's an asshole, he clearly wouldn't care if you wanted him to or not," Pacey said. He held her shoulders and he was gentle. She wanted to cry. "I mean it, Jen," he said. "Anything that guy did is on him, not you. I know that."

She rubbed her eyes. "How?"

"Well, I know you," Pacey said. He said, "Do you want a hug?"

"Sure," she said. "Why do you even ask?"

"Cause I want you to want to be with me," Pacey said. "That's how it should be."

"I hate it when you say things like that," Jen said. She was already in his arms, tucked under his chin. "Why do I hate it?"

After a pause, Pacey said, "Cause it's sounds super cheesy. I need a better scriptwriter."

"I don't think that's my problem with it, but now that you mention it," Jen said, trying to stop herself from crying. "I hated how I was with Billy. I could feel myself slipping back into old Jen."

"No way," Pacey said. He patted her hair. "You got a haircut. Did that asshole even notice your haircut? Cause it's really cute."

"I don't think he did," Jen said.

"Told ya, he's an asshole," Pacey said. "I hope he really doesn't sue. We both know my dad would happily arrest me."

"Doug would at least hesitate," Jen said. "And Billy almost certainly has drugs in his car. In his back pocket."

"Hey," Pacey said. "Let's go to the Icehouse or something. Let's be little town teenagers."

"Tiny town," Jen said. "Everyone knows my grandparents."

"Everyone knows me," Pacey said. He stepped back and kissed her. "I really adore you."

"Adore," Jen said. "You totally need a new scriptwriter."

He took her out to eat and talked about school work. Halfway through Doug plopped himself down next to them. Doug said, "Thanks for the tip, little bro."

Pacey said, "Did you arrest him?"

"I wanted to," Doug said. "We don't get many ecstasy arrests around here. Instead I told him to leave and never come back. He insinuated his facial injuries were courtesy of you."

Pacey shrugged. Doug said, "It was the first moment in a long time I've been proud of you, Pacey."

"That's a shame," Jen said. "He does a lot that should make you proud."

"You really like him," Doug said, smiling.

"You could say I adore him," Jen said.

A week later, Joey insisted Jen had to come with her as they shopped for Christmas gifts. "I need something for Bessie, Bodie, Alexander, you, Pacey, and Dawson."

"You don't have to get me anything," Jen said, a little surprised.

"We're friends, right?"

"Right," Jen said.

"I'm barely friends with Pacey and I've been buying him Christmas gifts since I was 8. I think I can add you to the list," Joey said. "I gotta warn you, my budget is not big."

"I guess I have you three and Grams," Jen said. "And Gramps."

"Not your parents?" Joey looked surprised.

"No, too much pride. On my side. They're the ones who kicked me out and didn't even invite me back for Thanksgiving. They get the generic card," Jen said. "Ugh, I have no idea what to get Pacey."

"If you could buy him a decent wardrobe, even just one lone shirt that wasn't two sizes too big and some garish color, my eyes would thank you," Joey said.

"Clothes aren't personal, it's not a girlfriend gift. It's a nagging wife gift and we are definitely not at that stage," Jen said. "I was thinking about a backpack because his broke and he's using Gretchen's, a nice one, you know? But that feels pretty impersonal."

"Nice backpack, and you put something personal inside. Like a letter or a mixtape, or mix cd, or a picture of you naked," Joey said.

"That's a good idea," Jen said. "Now tell me what I should get Dawson."

"He's my nightmare, too," Joey said. "The mind goes straight to movie memorabilia but come on, what doesn't he have already? Maybe headphones to block out his parents fighting, but who wants to bring up that open sore? You just explained why clothes are out."

"Hair gel," Jen said.

Joey actually laughed at that one. They walked up and down Capeside's scenic and chintzy shops. Jen got a new pan for Grams, even though they both agreed it was pretty impersonal. "And selfish," Jen said. "She'll be cooking for me."

"Sometimes she cooks for study group, so maybe it's charitable giving," Joey said.

"Sooo," Jen said. "You've waited a decent amount of time, tell me about you and Dawson."

"Thank you," Joey with that scrunchy face smile that she probably had no idea was so adorable. "It's good. It's definitely good. It's an adjustment."

"Adjustment to what? Seeing him naked? Partially naked? You being naked? Partially naked?"

"That, too, but it's more like we're both sort of ridiculous people, you know? We're so fifteen. We keep waiting for this romantic adventure to be like the movies and instead it's like, just us, with more touching," Joey said.

"At least you know your problem," Jen said.

"No, it just means we spend an hour talking about fantasy versus reality, a half hour of heavy petting and 2nd basing, and for the rest of the night we talk about the previous 90 minutes," Joey said.

"Well, that sounds very you," Jen said.

"I'm happy, though, I am happy," Joey said.

"You don't have to convince me," Jen said. "Unless you want me to convince you."

"No, it's just, I've had this crush on Dawson and he looks at me and I don't think either of us have a very clear view of who each of us really are, the people we are, who we're becoming. It's not like I want to break up, I just feel like, you know, we will break up sooner rather than later," Joey said.

"That's cheerful," Jen said. "Or you could just date and enjoy each other's company, I know, novel concept. Don't analyze for ten minutes, try that, just ten minutes at a time."

!

They were holding hands, as much as Pacey could even feel Jen's hand through her inch thick mittens. "Grams wasn't kidding around when she made these, huh?" He held her hand up.

"She thinks I'm delicate," Jen said. "Like I live on coffee and scraps from the table."

"That's me," Pacey said. "But I don't even get coffee, I drink water from the sink."

"Sad Pacey," Jen said, stopping to snuggle into him. "We are a couple of sad sacks, you know?"

"We are melancholy idiots," Pacey said. "We're missing all this bucolic beauty, small town snow storm and all that."

"It's not like I've never been sledding," Jen said. "I was 8 once."

"I went sledding last year," Pacey said, with a smirk. "It was awesome accidentally not accidentally pushing Nellie Olsen into a snowbank. Don't worry, she was fine, not even a bruise."

"Because you'd never hit a girl?"

"It's generally considered bad form," Pacey said. "Wait, you're about to argue that as a feminist, women should be able to hit guys and participate in combat if they choose and therefore it's archaic of me to not hit girls like I hit boys."

"You're so smart," she said.

Pacey started walking again, kicking at the snow in front of them. "Not actually. I may just get a C+ in Spanish."

"Why?"

"Because I'm an idiot?" Pacey shrugged. "I don't think I get any of this stuff and the final is 35% of our grade and Jo doesn't realize how much I'm fucking up. I don't know, the answer is I'm an idiot."

"Stop calling yourself that," Jen said. "Just ask Joey for help, she doesn't think you're a fuck up no matter what she says. What she means is you're her friend and she hasn't found a way to communicate with you since you both outgrew Fraggle Rock."

Pacey said, "I still love Fraggle Rock. How are your grades?"

Jen shrugged. "As and Bs, which I have to mention, is what you're getting in everything except Spanish. I know no one notices except me and Joey and Dawson, but we all knew you were capable of this. Anyone who didn't never knew Pacey Witter."

"My mother is very upset at you for saying she never knew me, I hear the story of her incredibly painful labor with yours truly all the time," Pacey said.

"Okay, I need you to take a break from hating yourself and be nice to me," Jen said.

He knew that tone in her voice. He pulled her mittened hand to his heart. He said, "How's your grandfather doing?"

Jen said, "Not great. And there's nothing I can do and all I hear from Grams is pray and." She sniffled a little.

Pacey knew enough that to articulate how much of an asshole he felt like for not asking her sooner would be even more narcissistic self-hatred. So he said, "You love him. That's a kind of prayer."

"I appreciate your poetry," she said. "Thank you."

A car honked at them and Pacey turned, ready to be pissed. Instead it was Paula. She rolled the window down and said, "Hey, little brother, you want a ride home?"

"Can you take Jen home, too?"

"Of course, get in," Paula said.

Paula had the heat on pretty high so Pacey set to get enough of his layers off so he didn't die of heat stroke. He said, "It's two weeks to Christmas, you're home early. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Paula said. "I dumped my loser boyfriend after I'd already taken off these two weeks and even Capeside December weather can't compare to Manitoba, so here I am. Where do you live, strange blonde girl my brother hasn't bothered to introduce me to?"

"That's Jen and she lives next to Dawson," Pacey said.

Paula frowned and then said, "Okay, I remember how to get there. Jen, you new to Capeside? Don't believe my brother about the law enforcement."

"My grandparents live here, the Ryans," Jen said. "I've been here since September, you know, school, helping Grams. My grandfather is pretty sick."

Paula said, "That sounds awful, I'm sorry. Pacey doesn't remember, but our grandfather was, like, weirdly the nicest Witter in the world. He was so gentle. Grandfathers are great."

"Yours and mine," Jen said. "I agree."

"You two are dating," Paula said. "Doug said that over Thanksgiving, I remember now."

"Since September," Pacey said.

"God, he's such a sad sack," Paula said, glancing at Jen. "I remember when he was a toddler, he was so sensitive. Dad always said it would take work to toughen him up."

Pacey said, "Is that their excuse?"

"Oh, at least Dad has a reason, Mom always hated me the most and I have no idea why," Paula said. "Sorry, Jen, you must be tired of the Witter bullshit drama."

"I'm okay," Jen said, smiling at Pacey.

"I would have done better in school if Mom had been more supportive," Paula said.

"She just ignores me," Pacey said. "I mean, she throws out some stuff occasionally. How she'll stand by me and support me when I eventually fail all my classes."

"I never got that occasionally, she dissected every grade, every test, every essay like, 'aw shucks, of course you missed that, you can't do that kind of advanced work,'" Paula said. "The only class I did well in was Spanish because she can't speak that."

"Spanish," Jen said.

Pacey could feel her significant gaze. He said, "Do you remember any of that Spanish? That's my worst class."

"Are you gonna fail it?"

"No," Jen said. "He's gonna get a C except he won't, he'll do better and get As and Bs like he is in every other class."

Paula grinned at Pacey. "None of my boyfriends were ever that defensive about me, how come the Witter boys don't end up dating losers like the Witter women?"

"Your boyfriends were all jerks," Pacey said. He remembered one that had jokingly tried to drown him when he was ten. It had been terrifying. His dad and Doug had watched and neither had done a damn thing.

"Doug doesn't date jerks?" Jen smirked at Pacey in the rearview mirror.

"He didn't date a lot in high school, but they were all really nice girls. He dated that Potter girl for a hot minute, remember?"

"Yup," Pacey said. "She's actually happy now, by the way."

"Oh, I heard, hot boyfriend and cute baby," Paula said.

"He's so cute," Jen said. "I was there when he was born."

Paula pulled up by the Ryan house. "It was very nice to meet you, Jen."

"Thank you for the ride," Jen said. She gestured for Pacey to roll his window down. He complied, of course. She kissed him dirty until Paula whistled at them. She said, "Bye, sweetie."

"Bye," Pacey said, weakly.

"You two are making sure I'm not getting any baby blonde nieces or nephews, right?" Paula glanced over at him.

"Duh," Pacey said. "Did you really do well in Spanish? The teacher gave us a practice test and I only got a C+."

"I did do well and I remember it, too. I like the idea of helping you, it feels like something Mom would be hurt and surprised by," Paula said.

When he got to study group, he was even able to help Joey for once. He didn't know how he kept pulling this off. He knew no one thought he could do it, and he was still mostly convinced they were right.

He loved Jen. He loved the sex, which somehow kept getting better and did not plateau. He loved her body. He loved touching her, running his hands wherever he wanted. She had these incredible thighs and ankles. She said she loved his legs. She said he had beautiful eyes. She seemed to like his dick. She definitely loved his big ol' butt which she would spank and pinch all the time.

He had finally figured out to bring a blanket to their bathroom makeout sessions. Jen was lying on her back looking up and he was just looking at her, his hands trailing up and down her thighs. She said, "I keep thinking, I bet if Gramps dies, my parents won't even come to the funeral. Not to avoid me, but just because my mom doesn't care."

"He loved you, though, your grandfather. Fuck her, he loves you," Pacey said. "If your parents don't come, I can tell you one thing, the rest of us will. Because unlike your parents, we've gotten to know the person you are, good and bad, and you're fantastic."

"You're sweet," Jen said. "Are you practicing for your new gig as Freud?"

"Not Freud," Pacey said. "Not even Jung. I told you, I have three weeks of training, starting tomorrow, and then for 3 days a week for 3 hours in the afternoon, I answer the call in line. And if it's anything remotely serious, I flag over the professors or the actual trained counselors. I have no plans to tell everyone who calls in that they're fantastic, because I bet only a few of them will be."

"Including me," Jen said.

"Absolutely including you," Pacey said. He kissed her.

His spanish test had been manageable. He could hear Paula in his head with her weird new Canadian accent speaking in Spanish. He went to find Jen after Joey got a note from the guidance counselor. Jen said, "How was Spanish? French was pretty much slow torture with a rusty nail."

"I think I did maybe okay. Did you notice my sister Paula has a Canadian accent now? It's freaky, very much so. She's only lived in Manitoba for a decade or something. How do you get an accent in ten years?"

"That seems an adequate time to acquire an accent," Jen said.

Joey came up to them, her eyes wide. Jen said, "Are you okay?"

"I think?" Joey looked at both of them. "I could go to France."

"You're just realizing that now," Pacey said.

"No, I mean, there was a girl, she had a scholarship from the school to do two months in Paris, but she dropped out because of her boyfriend. So they offered it to me," Joey said.

Jen jumped and hugged Joey. "Oh my god, Joey, you have to do it. All your hard work!"

Pacey patted Joey's head. "You've been working for this for so long. It's gonna look great on your college application. And, Paris!"

"I don't think I even have a passport," Joey said.

"I went to Paris once with my family when I was ten, it was incredible," Jen said. "That was just a weekend, you'll have two months."

"When do you leave?"

Joey said, "January 2nd."

Dawson said, "What happens January 2nd?"

Pacey grabbed Jen's shoulder and moved her along.

He was home studying for his next midterm when Doug didn't knock and came in his room. Doug said, "Hey, Pace, I was down at the hospital. Mr. Ryan passed away a few hours ago."

"Oh, shit," Pacey said. "Is there any chance you'd be nice enough to give me a ride to where Jen is?"

"That's why I came," Doug said, looking put out. He drove Pacey to the Ryan house.

He saw Jen sitting on the stairs, with Dawson's arm around her. She was crying. Dawson said, "Hey, Pacey." He got up and smiled a little and then said, "I think you're going to be better at this than me."

Pacey sat down to Jen and tugged her under his chin. "Hey, Lindley."

"I guess you heard," she said, sniffling.

"Yeah," Pacey said. "What do you need?"

"I don't know," Jen said.

"Let's go inside," Pacey said. "I can make you coffee, we can be warm."

She nodded. In the end, hours later, Jen was asleep on the couch and Pacey was sipping coffee on the floor. He got up as Mrs. Ryan came in.

He said, "I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs. Ryan," quietly.

She said, "Thank you, Mr. Witter. It must be time for school now, thank you for keeping Jennifer company."

"Let me know if you need anything," Pacey said, uselessly.

!

Jen was right, her own parents missed the funeral. They told Grams they were already in Sweden, they couldn't fly back fast enough. Grams, bless her, refused to move the funeral.

Pacey was right, too. He came, and Dawson and Joey. A bunch of people from Grams's church, the Leerys, even Joey's sister and her boyfriend and the baby. Jen saw Grams holding Alexander and smiling. "Thank you for bringing such a beautiful child."

Jen alternated between leaning on Grams and leaning on Pacey. Joey and Dawson hugged her before they left the reception. She dragged Pacey up to her room. He sat on her bed. She said. "Can we just have sex, like, right now?"

"Do you want to have sex, or is this something else?"

"Stop coddling me, stop analyzing me," Jen said. She sniffled.

"I'm not," Pacey said. "I'm not. Just, you know, new Jen, old Jen."

He looked like a puppy. She really didn't like him at that moment. "God, fuck you."

He still didn't say anything. She said, "I really want to fight with you."

"Nope," Pacey said. He stood up and hugged her. "You can punch me. I have a chubby tummy, you said that once."

She sniffled. "Please don't be insecure about your body right now."

"Do you want to fight about that?" Pacey rubbed her back. "I have a lot of insecurities."

"I don't want to fight," Jen said.

"Also, we're not gonna have sex in your house."

"I hate you," Jen said, weakly.

The next day, Jen went back to school and took her make up exams. When she got out her last one, Joey was waiting for her, smiling weakly.

Joey said, "Pacey would have been here, but he has his training."

"So you got stuck with me," Jen said.

"We made a schedule," Joey said. "Whoever drew the short straw has to hang out with you."

Jen stopped herself from smiling. "Are you going to France?"

"Yeah," Joey said. "Yeah. I don't know, it's probably for the best. I mean, obviously, Paris is the best. But it means basically breaking up with Dawson."

"There are these things called long distance relationships," Jen said.

"I know, Dawson made that argument. He withdrew it, though, when we really talked. Because we, you know, I mentioned to you my worries. My worries that I'm just some extension of him, especially now that we're dating. He thinks everything is great, and I feel like I'm chafing at something and when I say that to him, he gets so upset. Maybe we never should have dated," Joey said.

"That's not true," Jen said. "It's important that you went out. That you are going out. You loved him for so long."

"Did I? I don't even know anymore. I did, though." Joey bumped Jen's shoulder. "I do love him. I do. But I can't not go to Paris and he'd be a horrible person if he told me not to go and I know he wants to, and I just feel like, what is with these endless circles? Are they endless circles because we weren't meant to date, we were just supposed to be friends? Will I regret this for the rest of my life, because I don't know how I could possibly regret Paris?"

"If you wrote all this down in a letter, you'd have your first letter in your long distance relationship," Jen said. She nearly smiled. "Maybe, Joey, you're just fifteen and not everything is huge and dramatic."

"It's all huge and dramatic like how it's so amazing that for maybe the first time in my life I have this incredible friend who is a girl," Joey said. "And we can have girl talk."

"I had a huge fight with him because he was being nice to me," Jen said. "My him. Pacey."

"Jen, when my mom died, Bessie and I stopped talking for two weeks because she tried to buy me the wrong shoelaces," Joey said.

"That makes sense," Jen said.

"Hey, do you want to come with me? I have to visit my dad in prison because it's his birthday. I am going to tell that bastard off," Joey said.

"Because you're angry with him," Jen said.

"I really am. Dawson tried to talk to me about forgiveness and finding peace by letting go of my anger." Joey said.

"People with nice parents always say that. They don't get it," Jen said. "You don't have to forgive everyone who hurts you because they're related to you. You know what movie Pacey loves? Which I doubt he's admitted to Dawson, ever. He loves Parenthood. He loves the scene when Keanu Reeves, the master thespian, says any asshole can be a father."

"Dawson hates the ending of that one, with everyone having babies," Joey said.

"But they're all so happy," Jen said. "I might like that kind of happy someday."

"Maybe me, too," Joey said.

Pacey went with Joey instead. Jen sat with Grams. "Did my mom send anything, did she - "

"Jennifer," Grams said. "I love you, but I need you to, I can't discuss this this moment. She is my daughter and her actions have hurt me."

"I'm sorry," Jen said. She hugged Grams with no intention of letting go. "I love you."

!

The day after Christmas, Pacey biked his way over to Jen's house. First stop was Dawson's, of course, to commiserate about the unhappy ending of his star crossed love with Joey, along with exchanging gifts. "Dawson, thank you for giving me every movie you could think of that has some sort of counselor or psychiatrist in it. And I'm glad you like my utterly lame gift since I had no money to spend."

"This is not lame," Dawson said. "You spent more on Jen."

"Jen and I have sex," Pacey said. "I love her, too."

"So go over there," Dawson said.

"I'm just checking on my lovelorn friend," Pacey said.

"You know, it's miserable and sad and she's still here so we have these melancholic encounters and weird making out and then she talks about being sad that it had to end this way and I say it doesn't have to end and we talk about this and more sad making out and that is every date," Dawson said.

"I'm now picturing weepy handjobs so thanks for burning that acid scar into my brain," Pacey said. "I'm going to see my girlfriend."

Jen was waiting for him with his gift. It was to his complete lack of surprise, a backpack. It was a manly tough backpack. Jen said, "Open it up."

"What will I find in here?" Pacey reached in and one of the inner pockets he found three polaroids. All three were Jen, one with her tank top pulled down so her breasts were bare, one with her hand in her very sheer panties and another one of her thighs pressed together legs in the air with a lovely view that would get her into Penthouse. "You are the best girlfriend in the entire world."

"Be the man I hope you are and make sure no one else ever sees them."

"Your face isn't in any of them," Pacey said. "I love your face." He held her face and kissed her. The touch of her tongue made him hard. He sat back.

"I got this for you," Pacey said.

She opened her the box. "Aww, they're beautiful." She held up the earrings. "I love them."

"Paula got them for me -"

"You regifted? So sweet," Jen said.

"I sent her money. They're, um, local, First Nations made. So you won't see anyone else wear them."

"We should have sex," Jen said. "I'm not acting up here."

"Where's Grams?"

"Visiting her best friend, she left this morning. She'll be back tomorrow," Jen said.

They went upstairs to her bedroom. "Wait, we should make sure none of your many neighbors just happen to stop by."

"I'll lock the door," Jen said. "Be right back."

When she came up stairs, she was already taking off her pants. "New Jen is very happy with the decision Old Jen made to say yes to that date in September."

"Same with present Pacey, I am very happy that past Pacey decided this would be a new year."

TO BE CONTINUED IN "Season 2"


End file.
